Shopping for swimsuits

Summer is coming (maybe), which is a good thing in all respects except one. That is, I need a new swimsuit. This means I have to go shopping for a new swimsuit. And I need to go shopping soon.

I have the perfect swimsuit in mind. It's a two piece suit. The top piece is a tank top, with full belly coverage, and the bottom is a pair of swim shorts. I've actually been seeing swimsuits like this all over this year, which is very good news! Imagine, cute swimsuits that I would actually wear, and can actually purchase! At least in theory....

Over the weekend, I was looking through catalogs at swimsuits and found one at Penneys that I liked a lot. Tim, who had the misfortune of sitting next to me on the couch, got to hear about it.

"Look at this swimsuit, Tim, doesn't it look great? I think I'm going to get something like it."

Tim looked at the fully covered model, in tank top and swim shorts, and frowned.

"I can find a better looking swimsuit," he said, and started flipping through the catalog looking for string bikinis.

"No," I argued, "those are not better looking swimsuits."

Such swimsuits, I pointed out, only look good on the 18 year old models wearing them in the catalog, and even those have been airbrushed to look better. On real people, string bikinis look like bulging bellies and cottage cheese bums.

"Trust me, Tim. Cottage cheese bums do not look better than bums and bellies covered in swim shorts. You do not want to see those skimpy suits on real people because the cottage cheese bums are scary!"

From across the room, Grandma piped up, "Who are you calling cottage cheese bum?"

ME!

Bum Smoothy, or Jessica's (er, Artax's) fail safe way to eliminate cottage cheese bum.

Day 1. Find a piece of springy carpet in your basement. Perform 15 slow squats. Without a rest, follow with 24 lunges forward, each lunge from straight standing to a position with one thigh parallel to the floor, the other vertical from the floor, alternating legs. Without a rest, follow with 24 lunges backward, sending one leg out behind far enough to touch the floor with both hands. Stand up and repeat on the other leg, 24 times.

After the 15 squats, 24 front lunges, and 24 back lunges, repeat -- without a rest. And then repeat again. And then you can rest, sprawled on the floor moaning at the ceiling. That's a total of 45 slow squats, 72 front lunges, and 72 back lunges. Your legs will be really wobbly, and you will have to scream for assistance in mounting the basement stairs. Oh, I forgot to say that you'll need a partner -- someone to drag your limp, twitching body up the stairs and off to the hospital after completing the squats and lunges the first day.

Day 2. After a rough night, in which trying to roll over sent your legs into spasms of pain, you awake to find you can no longer walk. Your legs are too sore. You roll out of bed, ease your way gingerly onto the toilet, and shuffle your way to work. Rest day.

Day 3. You still can't walk or bend over, but it's time to do the 45 squats, 72 front lunges, and 72 back lunges again. This time they go much more slowly and stiffly. You are too sore to collapse onto the floor when finished. You break the stair rail off as you climb back out of the basement.

Day 4. Awake and ask yourself, will I ever walk again?

Day 5. Probably not. Time to do 45 squats, 72 front lunges, 72 back lunges again.

Day 6. Sitting on the toilet still hurts, although it isn't polite to use the word toilet in the USA. You may want to install one of those old lady toilet rails in the bathroom before Day 1, actually, because you will look and act like an old lady for a while.

Day 7. Soreness is very slowly starting to wear away. However, by now you should be ravenously hungry. Plan on having seconds or thirds of everything. And multiple snacks between meals. Your body is on overdrive trying to build muscles you never ever had before, and it takes some serious calories. You try to limit the extra eating to healthy fats and proteins, but sometimes sneak in a chocolate cake or two, here and there.

Day 8. 45 squats, 72 front lunges, 72 back lunges.

Day 9. First good night's sleep in nine days. Not quite yet actually walking again. Where's that chocolate cake?

Day 10. 45 squats, 72 front lunges, 72 back lunges.

...

Keep it up, every other day for ten weeks. At the end of ten weeks, if you make it that far, you will no longer have cottage cheese bum. I guarantee it. Complete satisfaction or double your money back. Also, although you will be in agony for a week or so, you should be able to walk again after a couple of weeks on the program, though the hunger won't go away for at least three weeks, if ever. Oh, and if you sleep in and slack off for a week, then you'll start all over sore the next time, and the soreness will last pretty much exactly one week. Yes, I am speaking from experience here. On the other hand, the soreness is supposed to be a good thing. It means the exercises are really nailing that soggy bum of yours.

Anyway, that's my recipe for smooth bum, or bum smoothy. I've tried it, and it works every time. No, it definitely isn't worth the pain -- why do you think I'm buying swim shorts this year? But anyhow I thought I'd share in case any of my readers are masochists or can't find swim shorts in their local stores. (Suckers!)

So that's my recipe. What's yours? Anybody out there know how to make chocolate cake?