Panic spikes

I haven't been teaching this semester. I've just been hiding away in my office working on interesting research problems. Working almost exclusively on research has been very fun, which totally surprised me. I think this is the first time in my life when a research-only position has been more fun than stressful.

This semester isn't the first one where I haven't been teaching. But somehow during other teaching-free semesters, I felt a lot more pressure. I had to get a project done or I wouldn't get the next job. Or I wouldn't get tenure. Or I wouldn't be able to write up a sabbatical report. This time around, the report isn't due for two years. Plus I got the promotion I had hoped for last year, so I don't feel any pressure to impress. And so research is just ... fun. It really is mostly fun. Even the parts I normally don't like, such as getting stuck. It feels ok to be stuck. It makes me learn things.

Anyway, because of this happy research place I've been in, I've felt exceptionally calm. That is, my base level-of-being seems to be calm. Again this was totally surprising. It's been a long time since my baseline was calm -- if that ever happened. My whole life I have been a tumbling ball of stress only just keeping things together. But this semester, I have been enjoying working on research, and feeling exceptionally calm.

One of the strangest things about being calm, is that I can actually easily identify things that happen in my life to break that calm. I have been able to identify things that cause my panic level to spike. It has been educational.

In no particular order, the following life events definitely lead to panic.

1. Public speaking. Yes, giving important talks for work are stressful, but I have realized that even unimportant, low-key public speaking assignments make me panic. Like speaking to undergraduates in the informal seminar. And it isn't just standing in front of the undergraduates that causes my panic level to spike. It is receiving the email from the people organizing the undergraduate talks that pushes the panic level. Just thinking about giving the talk terrifies me. And yet I signed up and gave a talk again anyway. Because it was my turn.

Just think about it: when I am teaching, I am giving one of these panic-inducing lectures multiple times a day. No wonder I've had chronic gum problems, eh?

2. This is probably the same thing, but I'm writing it separately. I also panic when high school teachers say vague things like maybe they should get me to give a presentation in Jonathan's class. I spent years and years giving math presentations to Jonathan's classes. But when his current teacher said they maybe would think about inviting me to speak, I felt my panic level spike. I have *not* volunteered for this one. Because it is so scary!

3. Travel. Finding the hotel. Getting a plane ticket. Applying for a visa. Making sure I've filled out the appropriate paperwork for work to reimburse me. I've done it dozens of times. But it is still totally and completely terrifying.

4. Running the meeting. We're talking electronic meetings, with a group of enthusiastic volunteers who are happy to be there and will do anything they can to make me look good. But I so much don't want to run the meetings. Just starting to plan makes the panic meter spike.

5. Adult interaction. Yes, we can totally have those people over for dinner, and I know it will be fun. But getting myself ready to host people ratchets my panic level up from "calm" to "not so calm." Maybe not "anxious" yet. But I am clearly and identifiably an introvert.

6. Buying a house.