Its a major award

I received a major award this week.

Funny, I am the same person today that I was one week ago.

But one week ago, the university PR department didn't care what my research was about. My department chair was secretly thinking I deserved a course release for my teaching work, but hadn't yet told me so. And my friends and colleagues around the country had no reason to write to me.

One week ago Thursday the astounding news appeared in a benign-looking email in my inbox. As I read, my knees started shaking so badly that I had to put the laptop on the table to read the last few lines. Instructions not to share until Tuesday.

On Monday, I met with the department chair about the teaching thing, and he offered the course release if I would please continue my reorganization of our major general education class. I told him that sounded good, except I might not be the person for the job the following day, when I had some news I would share.

News?!? I think his first guess was that I was pregnant. Then he worried I was leaving.

Funny. Back in the fall, he helped nominate me for the award I was winning. I guess neither of us really thought that I would actually get it.

Tuesday morning the news broke. Colleagues from Michigan, Texas, California wrote to congratulate me. Other universities whose faculty members won the same award posted the news as soon as possible. Tim contacted me through the day. "Berkeley has theirs up on their main website. Texas has theirs up. Where are you?"

No one from my university had won such an award since 1969. They didn't know they should look for it. They probably didn't know what it meant.

And my department chair? We met again Wednesday morning. He suggested extra course releases, not for teaching, but to devote time to my research. I could take semesters off, a full year off. If I wanted. Because I won a major award.

So here's a problem. I actually want the teaching job. I want to continue to reorganize the general education course. And to continue to reorganize the graduate course. And to have extra time for research as well. But I probably can't. In any case, I was promised the whole weekend for soul searching. Tim and I have been talking. Should we go away? Should we stay? What do I really want to be when I grow up? Or better: what do we want in just five years? And how can I use the major award to get there?

University PR contacted me Friday for a story they'll write up over the weekend. They wanted to know what I would do with the research award money. Me too.

Funny. My research hasn't changed, but suddenly they care.

I really am the same person this week that I was last week.

Or am I?

I have something this week that I didn't have before.

Confidence. Clout. Choices.

You know, once before in my life I won a major award, and the winning gave me the confidence to pursue a direction in life I thought I wasn't smart enough to pursue. (As a senior in college. Named one of two top undergraduate women in the country. Decided maybe I could cut it in grad school after all.)

Amazing. I know for a fact that I'm not the most qualified person. Somehow the stars just aligned in my favor. But since they have, the world is upside down.

If it's not about winning, then why does one major award make such a difference?