Yogurt

I am in possession of an old family recipe for yogurt. My mother's mother used to make yogurt for breakfast for her children and grandchildren. My mother used to make yogurt for our family. Sometimes I have made yogurt, too.

Homemade yogurt isn't quite what you would expect. It isn't as stiff as store bought yogurt, for one thing. However, if you check out the labels of your store bought yogurt, you will find that gelatin is often one of the top ingredients. That's what makes your yogurt stiffer than mine. Mine is thick, but only because the bacteria making the yogurt thicken it. It's not stiff. It's also very sour. It takes a lot of sugar to make it taste like your fruit flavored yogurt. That's not because my yogurt is fundamentally different than yours. It's because they add huge amounts of sugar to create your store bought yogurt. In turn, I add huge amounts of sugar to make my homemade stuff edible. The difference is that I know the sugar is there. You probably don't. And you used to think yogurt was healthy.

Anyway, for the first time in several years, I made yogurt again last night.

First, I took six cups of milk. My recipe specifically calls for dry milk mixed with water. I think that's because my grandmother and my mother didn't own a cow or a goat to give large quantities of fresh milk. The yogurt would probably taste better with fresh milk, because dry milk is gross. On the other hand, the milk needs to be cozy and warm to make a lovely bath for the yogurt bacteria. If you mix dry milk with water, you can just add baby's bottle temperature water from the start. No need to heat milk on the stove. So dry milk is more convenient and more likely to be stored somewhere in the basement. No wonder my mother and grandmother preferred it.

Next, add one can of evaporated milk. I don't know what this is for. Maybe it makes it creamier? I opened a can of evaporated milk last night, but it was definitely the wrong color. I checked the bottom of the can, and found it had expired in 2003. So I dumped the evaporated milk and decided to try the recipe without it this time. Because I don't keep multiple cans of evaporated milk lying around the pantry.

Now add three tablespoons or more of yogurt with live and active cultures. These live guys are your bacteria friends that you want to swim in your yogurt. You can't make yogurt without them. If your store bought yogurt has killed off all its bacteria, you cannot win. Most store bought yogurt, however, advertises their live and active cultures prominently on the label. Mine did. I dumped most of a single six ounce serving of plain yogurt into my mix.

Mix all ingredients in a metal bowl. My mother specifically says a metal bowl. I believe the bowl must be metal because it goes into the oven all night. You don't want your plastic bowls melting in there. Or your glass bowls cracking.

Wrap the bowl in a cozy blanket. My mom used a large clean bath towel, and so do I. This part grosses Tim out the most. But it's clean.

Heat oven to 275 degrees. When it is heated, put in the yogurt in its cozy wrapped bowl. Close the door. The temperature in the oven will have dropped. Wait until it returns to 275 degrees, or about five minutes. As your clean bath towel starts to bake, your kitchen will begin to smell like fabric softener. I don't know how the bacteria feel about that, but I believe they enjoy getting warmed up. Once the oven reaches 275 degrees again, turn the oven off.

That is one of the most important steps, written in all caps and bold in my mother's recipe book, like this: TURN THE OVEN OFF.

I have my own theories as to why the all caps are there.

Now you are done with your job. Go to bed. Leave the mixture in the cozy oven all night. Make sure you have turned the oven off before going to bed.

The next morning, when you get up, go check on your yogurt. Pull it out of the oven, unwrap it, and stir. If all is well, your bacteria have been swimming around, multiplying all night long, and you have creamy thick yogurt now. Serve with fruit and lots and lots of sugar.

Sometimes all is not well. For example, this morning my yogurt mixture was still thin milk with a couple of lumps. Definitely not yogurt yet. In this case, your all night bacteria party was not the success you meant it to be. You need to try to convince your bacteria friends to go have some fun. Turn the oven back to 275 degrees, wrap the yogurt bowl again, and put it back in. Let it sit there for about five minutes, then turn the oven off and go to work.

Technically, my mom's recipe book says to take it out after a couple of hours. But I wasn't home after a couple of hours. So I just left it in the oven all day.

When I got home, the yogurt was thick. My bacteria had multiplied! This time, it was also a little lumpy. Maybe that's because I left it in the oven so long? Or because I didn't add the evaporated milk?

Anyway, I was very pleased with my results. I dumped it into a bowl in the fridge, where it is now cooling. It thickens as it cools, too. I suppose I will probably add a whole lot of sugar and try eating it tomorrow. Probably. It's kind of scary looking, though.

It's also kind of scary knowing that 24 hours ago, that stuff was all just powdered milk, and that bacteria turned it into the thick smelly goo that I may or may not put into my mouth.

Which begs the question: Who in their right mind tried eating yogurt in the first place?