Since before graduate school, I have been aware of the impostor syndrome. This is where a person, often an academic, believes that in spite of successes, he or she is actually an impostor in his/her chosen field and career, and eventually he or she will be found out to be a fraud, and people will realize that he/she is less intelligent than everyone thought. It is very common amongst graduate students.
As soon as I heard of this, I recognized it in myself. Of all people, why was I studying at this particular fancy university with this particular fancy fellowship? They were bound to find out how stupid I really was, and then they'd kick me out. Or shun me forever. Or something truly terrible.
Recognizing the syndrome has allowed me to suppress these thoughts. They aren't really helpful. I won't accomplish anything if I sit around waiting for bigshots in my field to uncover my stupidity. And since it's a named syndrome, these voices telling me I'm not really good enough might actually be all in my head. Maybe. Perhaps I am good enough. Whatever that means.
On the other hand, just because I know about this "impostor syndrome" and see its signs in myself doesn't necessarily mean that I'm NOT an impostor and that others WON'T find that out. Or that they don't already know it. How do you change the opinion of someone fancy who has already decided that you aren't intelligent enough? (Intelligent enough for what?) And how much does it matter?
(And I wish I had just given my last talk rather than my third of four. Another one to prepare for Monday and I'm tired tired tired.)
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3 comments:
I didn't know that was an actual syndrome! Not sure if that makes me feel better about being acquainted with the feeling or not. I feel it comes on the most when I'm starting into a new chapter of my career - first year of law school, the first year of practicing, first months at a new job, etc.
Good luck with your last talk, I'm sure it will be great!!
Just because I'm faking my way through life doesn't mean I'm an imposter. Does it?
As far as the exhaustion, try some caffeinated drinks for the body, a walk for the brain, and a good laugh for the soul.
Aaaaaaa! You just summed up my husband's entire academic life! Freaky!
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