Leading

People look to me for leadership. Tonight, that hits me with a mixture of surprise and heaviness. People look to me.

Duh, you say. You have taken on leadership roles. People expect you to act the part.

I didn't apply for any of the major leadership roles I'm currently holding. I was tapped on the shoulder, and agreed the role was important, and thought I had the skill set to do a good job. These roles are just temporary, not really what I plan to be when I grow up. But I have tried all my life to act with integrity, and to be inclusive. Somehow this has been enough for the shoulder tappers. The leader identifiers. The people who have been doing an important job, but don't want to keep doing it when they grow up, and have gone looking for others to take over. Like me.

Leadership is mostly a good thing. I get to be part of important decisions, and I'm at the table when we discuss strategy and new directions.

But unfortunately, over the last month one leadership role has put me in a very difficult situation, requiring me to make a decision with no possible positive outcomes. I've had to choose the best of terrible things. And I've had to convince others that the choice I made is the best of the terrible choices in front of us, even if it isn't the easiest.

We aren't out of it yet. But tonight a decision has been made. Looking back, two things stand out, keeping me awake late into the night.

One, my colleagues really respect me. The amount of respect is surprising, and feels ... heavy. They value my opinion. One colleague in particular was very much set on choosing the easier decision, but he listened and was willing to trust my judgement, and changed his vote after hearing my arguments.

Two, a prayer. Dear God, please let me have advocated for the better of the bad decisions available. Now that I have talked even the belligerent colleague into my decision, please let it be the actual better decision.

I'm going to see this through, but I really, really don't want this job when I grow up. I'm on the lookout for shoulders to tap.