This post is actually about religion

Today I have a big bruise on my elbow. Really big. Bright turquoise blue and puffy. And yeah, it hurts.

I got this bruise while ice skating. I was trying to skate backwards on one foot, and somehow that foot slipped out from under me. As I was falling, I thought, "Oh no, not again!" I was pretty sure this fall would be bad, and would really screw up my back. But luckily, possibly because of some sort of latent feline abilities I didn't realize I had, I landed on my hip, not my back, and apparently, the elbow. It hurts, and the bruise is huge and purple, but the fall didn't screw up my back.

The fall from a little while ago was much worse. I was trying to spin from forward to backward on one foot, on the inside edge of the skate, and I fell badly. I slipped, and I landed hard on the base of my spine. The night afterwards, I had shooting tingling in my toes, and since then, a mild return of the sciatica I suffered from ten years ago. The back pain has been healing; there are no more shooting tinglings in the toes, but I still haven't completely recovered. I can't sit for more than an hour. I can't lunge. Back pain is in my genes. I will probably need to manage it most of my life. The bad fall while ice skating made it worse, at least temporarily.

Why am I still skating after that bad fall, you ask? Well, there were a few days where I thought I couldn't go back to it. I wouldn't go back to it. Falling like that could really mess up my life. But when I thought harder, I decided that I wanted to go back. I really enjoy the exercise. It is a challenge, for my body and my mind. It is building muscles and brains that I wouldn't build otherwise, even though there is the falling. The falling is an infrequent part, although it definitely lasts the longest, and dominates the experience off the ice. On the ice, there is mostly just flying.

Also, ice skating is important for my child. He loves skating. He wants someone to share that with. And if he keeps loving it, and keeps working at it, I'm more than happy to take the role of the crazy side-kick in on the ice with him. He falls, too. But he is willing to take the falls, also for the flying.

So yeah, still skating. I am taking more care. I warm up slowly, do the spins on two feet first. I can protect myself a little from further pain by using that brain and those muscles. And apparently it's working, because yesterday's fall, while it hurt a lot, didn't completely wipe me out again. I'm ready to go back today, to do a little more flying. 

***

In June 2014 I took a pretty terrible "fall" because of my religion. My religion did something that seemed (seems) inexcusable. And I landed where it really hurt, and did serious damage. Rather than a night of shooting pain in my toes, I experienced several sleepless nights, shooting pains in the brain, leading to serious life changes that I do not regret. I cannot regret.

I didn't resolve to leave the religion at that time, but I considered it. I became aware of how very fallible religious leaders could be.

But I went back to church. Why? Because I think religion in the abstract is good for my body and my mind. Because it is good for my family. Because I want my son to grapple with hard questions about morality and right and wrong. And I want to be there when he grapples and to let him know my opinions when he asks. I want him to know that I have opinions. And my opinions don't look like those of his teachers or friends, or like your opinions, whoever you are, reading. And my opinions don't look like my son's opinions, either. But I'll continue to encourage him to find his own opinions, as long as he keeps working at it. And I'm happy to play the role of side-kick, for now. And do my own flying as well.

Last night, I fell again. My religion has put me through another painful "fall". This one seems to have battered others who are close to me more than it has battered me. I guess I only landed on my elbow this time. The bruise is big, but it hasn't screwed up my back as badly as I thought it might. I was aware when I chose to go back two Junes ago of what the consequences would be. That there would be more pain, and more bad falls. But until my back won't let me go, I'll be on the ice again. I already decided to return, even after the spinal injury. If I can stick out the spinal injury, I can withstand the bruised hip and elbow.

That being said, I have put in place safeguards. My heart is more guarded. I will not let others tell me again that they alone hold the keys to my eternity, or your eternity, while they coerce me into actions that I know are wrong. That is abuse, and I don't tolerate abuse, and I don't serve a god who tolerates abuse. And I will tell that to those who abuse and those being abused. And actually, the leaders have already lost my trust. Perhaps that's why it was only a bruise on the elbow this time. I do inside-turns more carefully. I go back, and I learn, and I serve. But trust, once lost, is not easily given again.