In two days, I'm meeting with the dean, about women's issues, and that scares me. Sometimes I am afraid of having a job at Good Old Dude's University. I am a feminist, meaning I believe women and men should receive equal opportunities, and I believe they can perform equally well with said opportunities. I have never been silent on these beliefs. And I am also a religious person, although my personal spiritual experiences have led me in different directions than, say, the dean. Or at least, I presume that to be the case. Which brings us back to where we started. I'm afraid of meeting with the dean.
I like my job. Is it dishonest to want to keep it, and yet still be a feminist? Is it stupid to hang on? Should I be applying for other jobs while I am still pre-tenure, and therefore easier to hire elsewhere?
Yes.
But I'm very afraid of the idea of moving an entire family.
That is what the only other woman in my department with family reminded me. She is a postdoc, and she doesn't think her family has another short-term move in them, in order for her to take another postdoc position elsewhere in two years. Which probably means in her case that she won't end up with a research job. And then she'll end up spectacularly happy, because studies have been done, and people who end up in the lower-paid and less-prestigious teaching jobs end up happier than the mean and nasty researchers who claw tooth and nail over each others' sad carcasses to win the last measly crumbs of grant money.
Ha ha. It's not really that bad, or I wouldn't like my job.
I'm afraid of writing my next grant proposal, because it has to be a big one. And if I get the grant? I will have to run summer programs or organize conferences or something else Big, to match the big proposal, and I'm scared of the very idea.
I'm also afraid of stuff in my calendar between the dean's meeting and the grant proposal due date, like travel at the end of March to speak at a conference on a topic I haven't yet chosen. And hosting visitors for a few weeks in a row. And I'm afraid that I won't get anything done, and yet my task list is deep and wide and stinky.
I'm so scared I'm going to cry.
2 comments:
I have to say, watching Avram - and he's only at the writing a dissertation stage, I often think that maybe I only want to be a master's degree adjunct teacher - a lot less stress and responsibility. Not to mention then you don't have to write a dissertation.
You're one of the smartest people I know - so when you say you're scared of something, like the big grant proposals, I always mentally think that of course you are scared, but then you'll do an amazing job. After all, that's why people have you come and speak all the time, right? But fear is natural.
(Also, ps, we'll be at your University this Summer, Avram's teaching a couple of religion classes there.)
I'm rooting for you. My husband was offered a handful of TT jobs, but ended up taking a CNTT position here at the U of Delaware. He is still heavily involved in research and has a grant and writes papers, but he is not under the "publish or perish" gun. He was hesitant to take that position at the beginning, but is so glad he did. He feels like he gets to call the shots in his life and career, instead of the shots calling him. Maybe that's something to consider?
That said, I truly believe that Good Old Dude's University needs good feminists like you.
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