Christmas trees, sister wives, and selfishness

We took down the Christmas tree yesterday.

I know.  I know.  It should go down New Year's day.  Or at least the following weekend.  Definitely before school starts again.

School has been going for two weeks.  And yesterday, we took down the Christmas tree.

Please don't judge me.  Well, ok.  You can judge me.  Why not?  I do.

I didn't want to take down the tree on New Year's day.  We still had family in town.  And then the day after that we were cleaning up from family, and didn't get to the tree.  And then the next day I woke up with the flu.

("Tim, bad news.  You remember that virus that has been going around?"  "Yes."  "I've got it.  You're on your own getting Jonathan back to school today.")

So I was recovering from the flu that weekend.  And then the semester began, sans prep time (because I was sick the week before).  And so things went along.  Until this weekend when we finally took down the Christmas tree.  Complaining all the way.

***

Last week, I had a dream that Tim was marrying my sister, as a second wife.  It was a very vivid dream.

In the dream, the marriage really made a lot of sense.  I love my sister.  She likes to cook.  And in my dream, she was lonely and wanted to be part of a family.  (In real life, she is married with three kids and has plenty of family, thank-you-very-much, but this was a dream.)

Anyway, in the dream I was surrounded by family, all happy for my sister, all excited.  We were dressing up and putting on makeup and giving hugs and the sorts of happy, excited things you do just before the wedding of someone you love.  And I was fine with all of it....

...up until the moment I saw Tim walk in holding my sister around the waist.  He gave her a look that said he would love her and cherish her forever.  And suddenly I felt horribly sad and angry inside.  He had never looked at anyone like that except me.  And suddenly I didn't want him to share that look with anyone else, even my sister.  But what could I do?  She was my sister.  She deserved to be loved, even as a second wife.  I couldn't call off the wedding just minutes before it started.  I couldn't ruin this special day for my sister.  I was horribly selfish to even want to do so.  And just because Tim looked at her like that didn't mean he wouldn't still love me.  Selfish selfish selfish.  There was nothing I could do to change the future, to keep my sister from marrying my husband, and I was selfish to even want to change it.

I woke up angry and depressed.  And mad at Tim.  He has been walking around on tiptoes all week.

***

I am still depressed.  I blame the lack of sunshine and vitamin D.  Lately, it has been so cold that only the small skin surrounding my eyelids eyes goes outside uncovered.  Every inch of the rest is wrapped in fleece and wool and polyester thermals.  I also blame the air quality.  With the cold, the air gets stuck, and it slowly fills up with worse and worse pollutants.  It has been moderately unhealthy for a week, but it's moving back into the dark red, unhealthy-for-everyone zone next week, with no end in sight.  It's hard not to be depressed living in air that is sucking away my life with each breath.  And of course, no quality discussion of depression is complete without bringing up the matter of hormones.  December was a bad month. And while January has been better, I got in the habit of wallowing.

I know ways to get out.  Those ways include taking care of my sleep schedule and my exercise routine.  They include setting aside time to work on long term projects and logical thinking.  It helps me to think of what I have accomplished and set careful goals to accomplish more.  That's the way I work.  You have seen it in previous posts: item by item detailed lists of what I will do and then what will happen and then what I will be (happy).  My neuroses.  But I haven't felt like it.  Sometimes I don't feel like being happy.

Because I'm selfish.

Take that, sister.

***