Futures

I haven't written in over a month. That's partially because September was busy, and partially because there is more to write than can be written, in a public forum. And when the Things, with a capital T, Things that cannot be written in public, when these Things are not written, sometimes there is little else left to write about.

Today, I think I can say this much. It is interesting, the shape of life. I thought my life was a path, linear, stretching into the future. I've been driving down my own path, with those I love, watching the scenery flash by and talking about how it will be when we reach the hills and sometimes opening the windows to try not to get car sick. And then, in June, something happened, like an explosion on the side of the rode, precipitating a decision. And that decision precipitated others. And around me, the scenery began to crumble, and the path to flatten, until I realized I am not on a path at all, nothing so one-dimensional, but on a plane with options on all sides, and bright futures stretching like dendrites from a node, off in completely different directions. There are so many futures, and I didn't even realize they were there, until I decided to make a decision.

I read once that people who are depressed make better life choices -- the sole benefit of depression that I have ever heard about. I've been a little depressed on and off since June, since the initial precipitating decision. But after many sleepless nights, I am ready to embrace the depression. Those nights when I lie in bed trying to breathe, those nights are helping me to plan wisely. And it makes sense, too, doesn't it, that now that I can see so many bright futures stretching away like dendrites into the light, doesn't it make sense to mourn a little the futures that I do not get to choose?